It didn’t take long for people to cry foul when a cargo ship crashed into Baltimore’s Francis Scott Key Bridge and knocked it down. But while there’s still no hard evidence of a cyberattack or terrorism, Glenn, Pat, and Stu have another … weirder … theory: Has anyone seen Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg lately? Because there have been A LOT of transportation-related tragedies under his watch …
TranscriptBelow is a rush transcript that may contain errors
GLENN: So the bridge, Stu has a theory on this -- this Baltimore bridge collapse.
STU: I do not. I would not say I have a theory at all. I'm just saying, look, it wouldn't make any sense for this to be a terrorist attack the way it happened. 1:30 in the morning. Like, why would you do it that way?
Maybe you would argue, it was some sort of a test run.
PAT: Or just to disrupt our infrastructure.
STU: I don't know. But it doesn't seem like it will be that serious, in that. These places are able to -- it doesn't seem like. Like all the reporting is, they're able to reroute to other ports.
I mean, it has to affect Baltimore pretty seriously. Obviously, traffic will be affected. If you're going for a major terrorist attack. First of all, 1:30 in the morning is a weird time for it. And, of course, the warnings from the ships and all these other things.
Beyond that, I'm looking at a broader picture here. And I'm -- again, I'm not saying this. What I want you to know, I'm not saying this.
PAT: Okay. What are you not saying?
STU: I'm not saying that Pete Buttigieg individually, is going to each one of these things and -- like unscrewing Boeing doors before the plane takes off. I'm not saying he's doing that.
I'm not saying he's loosening tires off of planes. I'm not saying that. That would be incredibly impossible. What I am saying, should we check his house, to see if he has scuba gears. Let's check it out. Why not go into his garage and see, Pat. Maybe he has a couple of -- you know, a couple of -- I don't know.
Rubber suits. That might be for other use. I'm just saying, can we at least check? We should at least know that.
PAT: Maybe he has a Phillips screwdriver or something.
STU: Right. Does he have -- it would just be interesting to know, what type of --
PAT: It would. Yeah.
STU: Underwater diving gear, the man owns. Like, does he happen to have a mini submarine in his garage? That would be something we should know.
PAT: That would be weird.
GLENN: First of all. First of all.
As I said, they always return to the crazy -- the scene of the crime.
So he never shows up after one of these.
He disappears after this.
STU: Yes.
GLENN: Have I noticed that?
We never hear him talking about anything transportation. Have you heard him actually, you know, standing in front of a United airliner going, we're going to shut this thing down, until we figure out why the United Airlines keeps losing doors and wheels. And I heard the steering wheel or something, the other day.
STU: Right.
GLENN: Why? Where is he on that?
So he never shows up at the scene of the crime. So that immediately goes. It's also way too much work for him.
PAT: It's true.
GLENN: He would have to learn things, like how to put the mask on. Which I think is beyond his capability. You know, how do I -- the scuba gear goes where exactly. And you don't want to use it after him. After he tries it. I'm just saying, I don't know.
STU: I think, look, there are a lot of reasons to believe that Pete Buttigieg isn't responsible for each one of these things. It would be insane. It would be a crazy development, by all accounts.
GLENN: Yes, it would. Right.
STU: However, how else do we explain this?
PAT: It would be unprecedented, if it were our transportation secretary.
STU: I would agree, you be precedented.
PAT: Never in history, has a transportation secretary sabotaged so much transportation.
STU: Right.
GLENN: Can we look at the bright side, however?
That would be more than any transportation secretary has done probably in the history of transportation. I never know what they do.
STU: This is a good point.
Who knows the name of any other transportation secretary.
Yet, we all --
GLENN: You have chow.
STU: Yeah, Chow was one. And the other one that popped into my head was LaHood. Because back in the day. But not for, hey, he's screwing up all of our infrastructure.
It was like, oh, well, he's sort of a notable figure that occasionally comes up in policy conversations. This guy has overseen disaster movie sequel, after disaster movie sequels since he has this job.
We have American institutions. Boeing is just like, eh, we can't keep planes in the air anymore.
Like, what?
Why? Why has all of this happened under his watch. It's like he's trying. It's like he's Michelman. He's tied to -- we now have more footage to show in disaster movies, because of this guy. Allegedly. I mean, I don't think he is intentionally derailing trains across the country.
It does seem weird, that ever since -- we should look to see if he has a wedge or tools that would allow him to do it.
GLENN: You know, I would say the fact that everything is being derailed, would lead me to believe, that it's not one man.
STU: It's probably not. It's probably not.
GLENN: This is not bad -- the entire -- the entire country is going into a bridge abutment.
STU: That's true. That's true.
PAT: It would explain why we never see him though. Because he's always off skulking into one of these places, loosening some bolt.
STU: It's probably not him loosening bolts. It's probably not. Probably not.
PAT: Probably not.
STU: But wouldn't it be easy to rule it out. Let's toss that -- let's toss the individual possibility, that Pete Buttigieg is flying around the country, disabling our infrastructure.
Let's just rule that one out. It has to be easy to rule out.
PAT: I would feel a lot better. You know, I would. Even though, I understand, it's a --
GLENN: Call his husband. And find out, was he in bed with you, last night, or the night before, when this thing hit the bridge abutment. Just find out.
STU: Just find out. It's an easy one to rule out.
PAT: It did.
STU: Until we rule it out. He should go back on maternity leave.
That's all I'm saying. He shouldn't be employed on this job, as if it's a possibility.
GLENN: Oh, I see what this is. You just want him out as the transportation secretary. You are such a bad man.
PAT: Could that be it?
GLENN: Is it homophobia? Is that what's happening?
STU: It's definitely not homophobia. He can be as gay as he would like to be, while on paternity leave. In fact, I would encourage it. It would be almost odd if he wasn't, right?
But like, what I'm saying is, ever since this guy took this job, we have done show after show after show, out of --
PAT: About disasters.
STU: About transportation infrastructure collapse. What is happening -- like, why not just, either he's individually doing it himself.
Or maybe another possibility, is everything this man touches, gets destroyed like he's Ivan Drago. Maybe that's the thing.
GLENN: I have to tell you. I don't even know if he -- I think this is just -- this is just now four years of absolute incompetence.
The companies are all being distracted. From what they have to do. So they can meet new governmental mandates on bullcrap that mean nothing to any of us.
And this guy. This guy, I don't think he knows what his job is. I really don't.
STU: He seems to be terrible at it.
GLENN: Do you? This has and whenever he's involved in something, tragedies ensue. Again, we talk about these problems. With the border.
I don't know. What do you do? You have to make sure you're closing the border to illegal immigration. Before you're worrying about the immigrants that already cross.
You have to stop the flow. There's a leak. You have to stop the leak. Turn the water off. Then fix. With this. Shouldn't we turn the water off here?
Get this guy away from this thing first.
And then we'll figure out some of the other tails.
Whatever he's bringing to the table, is weighing down the table, and the table is collapsing. Can we do something about it?
GLENN: This is the best entertaining conspiracy theory, that I've heard in the last 24 hours. This is good. This is good.
STU: I don't think -- it would be absurd to picture Pete bite judge in a scuba outfit.
I mean, like, if somebody were to Photoshop that, and give it to us, and put it on Twitter.
That would be silly.
PAT: Irresponsible. Irresponsible.
STU: Irresponsible. He can't possibly do it. Let's confirm he doesn't have the equipment to make it possible.
Let's rule it out now!
GLENN: Have we seen close-up pictures of the American Airlines flight. When it was taking off, losing the tire. Was there a parachute after? Was he up in the wheel of -- as they took off?
Just, you know, like one of those poor Afghans, that were just like, I'm going to go to America. And he's like, wait. I'm not done.
I'll unloose the bolts here. I would like to see a close-up. Was he driving a tanker up Dr. Truck, last June 11th, and left it on I-95, in Philadelphia.
That bridge. When that caught fire.
PAT: Let's see who the driver was.
STU: Let's look. If you have the CCTV footage. You see a little guy scampering from the bridge right after. I would like to know, who is that?
Is that a leprechaun, or is that Pete Buttigieg? I want to know who that is. These are basic questions, we can ask, honestly.
And my goal here is to exonerate Pete Buttigieg.
PAT: Clear! Clear the air.
STU: That's my goal.
GLENN: Well, I don't think -- before you said this, I don't think Pete Buttigieg came up as a suspect.
STU: Hell. It would be so outlandish, right?
PAT: People were afraid to say it. Thank you.
STU: It was.
GLENN: Is that what it was?
PAT: We're saying what everybody was thinking, stupidly.
STU: But other people would say --
GLENN: As Jon Stewart said, saying the things that nobody is thinking. That's what he's doing now.
STU: Right. It could be. It could be. But then other people might say, it's the most logical explanation, that he's just going around and doing it himself. Why else would all of this happen. And that's why I just want to exonerate him. And let him get back to his wonderful family.
PAT: Real considerate of you.
STU: Yeah. And I think too, we should consider. For this particular role, whether paternity leave should only happen after the birth of a child. Maybe it should be like a constant thing.
Like a, whenever you need it, you take it.
Just go ahead. Go on leave. Right now. And maybe take eight to 12 years off.
GLENN: That would be good. Okay.
STU: Just in case, you know.
GLENN: Okay.
STU: These are just possibilities.
GLENN: Pat, thanks for standing and watching the whole thing burn with me. It's been fun.